Being True to Me, by Emily Madill

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss

Why is it that the people who are the least supportive and accepting are often the ones we most want to please and gain acceptance from? At least this has been the case in my life. Without getting too ahead of myself, I would like to give a bit of gratitude for my amazing life. I have a wide network of cheerleaders who love and accept me however I show up. I have some extraordinary mentors who help guide me and lift me up when I fall. I have ‘the best’ Mom a daughter could wish for. She is a no-drama, real deal kind of lady who can in a couple of sentences help me get unstuck from the stickiest of situations. My husband is by far my biggest fan and supporter and my two beautiful sons are my source of inspiration. These fine fellas in my life never fail to provide me with ample learning opportunities to grow as a person and as a woman. Like I said, I am ‘very’ fortunate. With all of this love and support I am surrounded with, some may ask, “How could she get stuck or worry about what others think?”

While I would admit this is a very good and valid point, I would also have to say there are obviously some repeat lessons I am still learning. For a good portion of my life, I have been a ‘people pleaser’. I can distinctly remember at a young age setting out to do things as a means of receiving favorable reactions from others around me. Like a cause and effect experiment, I discovered early on that when I conducted myself in a certain way I was met with approval from others. I don’t think this is an abnormal or unique trait, in fact I think as women and as humans we all want to be loved and accepted. What I have noticed is that some women show up exactly as they are; you either love them or you don’t. They are okay either way. They are sincere and can be found living life with purpose, passion and acceptance of all those around them. These authentic types are honest and upfront and address their issues with the source directly. Sure like everyone they too have their struggles but, what I find most intriguing is these genuine ladies don’t concern themselves with gaining acceptance from the Negative Nellies in their lives. They choose to spend their energy wisely and intentionally.

I have come to realize that there have been times all throughout my life I desperately sought the acceptance of the Nay Sayers. I guess I thought if I could get the people who are critical of everyone to say I was okay then it would really mean something. I would actually set out to ‘people please’ the people who aren’t pleased with anything. Talk about going in circles! Eventually, after many dizzying repeat lessons I am learning about the importance of standing in my own power.

I now find myself in my early thirties in a significant role as a stay at home Mom of two healthy and ‘very’ active boys. I consider myself to be energetic with enough stamina to match the pace of my toddler and preschooler. I am fortunate to be able to give a lot of myself and energy to raise my family in the best way I know how. I also look forward to date nights and time spent sustaining a happy and healthy relationship with my husband. I value my time spent with close friends and family and doing things that are just for me. This brings me to my ‘Aha Moment of Truth’ and the start of a journey down a lighter path.

I finally began to see that when I would spend so much as one millisecond attempting to please the displeased, I would start depleting my precious energy resources I depend on to create a happy balance in my life. I also began to notice a pattern where my energy to ‘people please’ would come from. Naturally, I would first take it away from the things I do for myself. Then I would take it from my important relationships. Next if I wasn’t really careful I would allocate it away from my marriage and my family. There I stood, defeated and deflated wondering what ever went wrong and why everything felt so hard all of the sudden.

I guess what I am getting at, is it no longer made any sense to spend an ounce of my energy caring, wondering or hoping for the approval of anyone but ‘myself’. I realized if I want to live an authentic life with joy I must choose to stop giving my power away to the Nay Sayers. I still find it hard to wrap my brain around the idea that there will always be people out there that don’t get me or perhaps don’t like me, but I am learning that as long as I am true to myself it just isn’t my concern. I definitely don’t have it all figured out and at times I find it very challenging to not revert back to my ‘people pleasing’ tendencies. I get the feeling it is the human in me that will always to some extent want to please others as a means of gaining their approval. As my sons' role model I am striving to send the message to them that it’s most important to gain the approval of yourself first and to try to stand in your power as much as possible when faced with negativity.

Moving forward, I sincerely wish for me and everyone else out there trying to break free from ‘people pleasing' that more time is spent owning, expressing and loving ourselves the way we are. This alone could create opportunities for our authenticity to shine through for everyone to witness and enjoy. Who knows maybe in the process this action will also inspire the most powerful Nay Sayers to do the same.

Emily Madill is a regular column writer for "Island Gals Magazine" ~ An exchange of Inspiration, Motivation, Humour and Information for our Island's Women.

For more info please visit the magazine's website at: http://www.islandgals.ca/
Or Visit Emily's website at: http://www.captainjoesteachingresources.com/

Yoga Photo by Kim Houghton

Living in the Moment

There is something to be said for living in the moment. Remembering to be present in life is something I am learning to do. I have discovered that much of my life has been spent worrying about what happened yesterday or who said what in the past. Then there is the dreaded “What will I do next, what does the future hold?” Allowing the simple pleasures of the present moment into my day is a practice that brings both enjoyment and balance into my life.

Exchanging a sincere hello or heart-felt smile with a stranger on the street is an example of living in presence. Making the shift to genuinely listen to a friend without allowing endless thoughts and mind chatter distract me is an example of living in presence. Taking time to get down and play cars with my young son instead of doing endless chores and tasks from my “To Do” list is an example of living in presence. When I am living in presence, my mind is at rest and my heart feels full. I feel truly alive and far removed from any worries about the past or the future. When I am living in presence I recognize the beauty in the people around me and in my surroundings, no matter what the situation felt like moments earlier.

We as a society are programmed to get as much done as we can in the shortest amount of time possible. We often go for days and weeks on “autopilot”, completing tasks only to begin worrying about the next one. Then there is the constant worry about what others may think of us. The continuous thought flow and mind chatter often take on a negative tone that is self-defeating. This type of existence rarely leaves room for taking in the simple pleasures of the moment, “Who has time for simple pleasures when there is just so much to do and worry about and so little time to do it in?”

This type of mind-based living creates disconnect from who we really are and is the perfect breeding ground for low self-esteem and illness. When we are caught up in how we may appear or come across to others, we begin representing ourselves from a “mindset” instead of from our “hearts” or from who we truly are. Often we become so unaware we are caught up in the rat race and worry that the only thing to help our minds and bodies slow down is a nasty flu bug, or worse some type of disease. Our bodies literally force us to slow down and take it easy. During these times of illness, it seems easier to put things in perspective and become aware of how we feel in the present moment. But, it doesn’t usually last long because as soon as we feel a bit better we rush around to get caught up for all that lost time. So, the cycle continues and once again discovering the beauty of the present moment is set aside, added to the list of things to do at some later time.

I have learned the best thing about living in the moment is that it’s not a goal to work toward in the future. It doesn’t require me to take a course to learn the skills to do it either. I don’t have to wait until I get sick or forced to slow down in order to find it. In fact, there is nothing to be found. I can at anytime in the present, decide to be present. This shift reshapes the course of my day and has the power to change how I feel about any situation put before me, especially the ones that seem the most stressful and agonizing.

I have discovered a certain amount of peace in realizing that even when I am caught up in the midst of my most stressful moments (which still arise quite regularly) I am but a moment away from letting them go through the practice of self-awareness and presence.

A tip I use to become present is to bring my focus to breathing. Take a few deep breaths to bring awareness to your present situation. Begin to notice the sights and sounds of your surroundings and watch how your thoughts begin to slow down. If you find your thoughts and worries creeping back in, acknowledge they are there and gently give them permission to pass.

I find that no matter what the situation, when I focus on my breathing and surroundings I become more present. When I am present I am more aligned with who I really am on the inside. When my inner self shines through, my interactions with other become gentler and happier. Suddenly, what seemed like the end of the world becomes manageable and less important. My so called problems fade and I begin to notice the beauty and all that is good around me.

Beauty exists in all things, people and places; the lesson we are all faced with is to be present enough to recognize it.

All the best,

Emily Madill

Children's Author

Visit: http://www.captainjoesteachingresources.com