I am Not Alone

Wikipedia Definition of Guilt: “A cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation. It is closely related to the concept of remorse.”

I am Not Alone

Guilt seems to be prevalent in most people’s lives to some degree. I have found myself feeling a twinge of guilt in response to a wide variety of my interactions, thoughts, and feelings throughout any given day. The initial cause can be as simple as declining an invitation because I already have plans, not taking the time to see all the people I wish to see, not making the most of my moments, or having a less than positive outlook. It is common for me to then allow these unfavorable feelings of guilt to creep into my conscience and sense of well-being. I haven’t even delved into the guilt that accompanies Motherhood; the disciplining, setting limits, saying no, taking time out for myself and the list goes on and on. I have even caught myself feeling guilty for feeling guilty, as ridiculous as that sounds.

I have noticed from the moment I became a Mom and through my endless conversations with my Mom friends that we all tend to carry around feelings of guilt. There is a sense of guilt if we work full time and aren’t at home caring for our children. There is the same sense of guilt if we are Stay at Home Moms and not in the work force full time. It seems that along with the many joys of motherhood comes this inevitable sense of guilt for reasons that aren’t logical or accurate. The more I began to think about it, the more I became certain the guilt condition must be a side effect brought on by motherhood. Of course just when I thought I had it figured, I learned this isn’t necessarily the case. I ran my theory by my husband and he was quick to enlighten me that all people, men and women alike can be afflicted with unfounded feelings of guilt. I must admit, it was nice to hear that Mr. Right and I share some common ground. I just always assumed that because he is a man of logic and always appears so even and balanced he wouldn’t have these same unreasonable thoughts and feelings. Realizing I am not alone in having these feelings and understanding they are perhaps just a part of the human condition helps me see I am doing just fine.

I recently had another interesting conversation about guilt, this time with my friend, who is a busy mother of four children. She said that guilt sometimes helps her to question whether there is a different way of looking at things. My insightful friend came to the conclusion that these common feelings we have often help her become a better parent and could be viewed as a gift. She said she connects to the saying “When you know better, you do better.” I found my friend’s outlook on guilt to be quite profound and hopeful. I like to believe if I caught myself in a guilt ridden moment that I could actually shape my feeling into a valuable tool and question whether there is a more constructive way of viewing a situation; rather than letting the guilt seep into my sense of self-worth. Of course the tricky part is having the self-awareness to actually catch myself in these moments as the learning most often seems to come in the aftermath. So as I continue on my journey, I will try this new approach and utilize my feelings of guilt to become the best parent, friend and person I can be. As for all of the other times when I don’t and I’m sure there will be many, I will try to remind myself of the saying: “All I can do is all I can do, and all I can do is enough”.

new site and blogs moving to: www.emilymadill.com

Being True to Me, by Emily Madill

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss

Why is it that the people who are the least supportive and accepting are often the ones we most want to please and gain acceptance from? At least this has been the case in my life. Without getting too ahead of myself, I would like to give a bit of gratitude for my amazing life. I have a wide network of cheerleaders who love and accept me however I show up. I have some extraordinary mentors who help guide me and lift me up when I fall. I have ‘the best’ Mom a daughter could wish for. She is a no-drama, real deal kind of lady who can in a couple of sentences help me get unstuck from the stickiest of situations. My husband is by far my biggest fan and supporter and my two beautiful sons are my source of inspiration. These fine fellas in my life never fail to provide me with ample learning opportunities to grow as a person and as a woman. Like I said, I am ‘very’ fortunate. With all of this love and support I am surrounded with, some may ask, “How could she get stuck or worry about what others think?”

While I would admit this is a very good and valid point, I would also have to say there are obviously some repeat lessons I am still learning. For a good portion of my life, I have been a ‘people pleaser’. I can distinctly remember at a young age setting out to do things as a means of receiving favorable reactions from others around me. Like a cause and effect experiment, I discovered early on that when I conducted myself in a certain way I was met with approval from others. I don’t think this is an abnormal or unique trait, in fact I think as women and as humans we all want to be loved and accepted. What I have noticed is that some women show up exactly as they are; you either love them or you don’t. They are okay either way. They are sincere and can be found living life with purpose, passion and acceptance of all those around them. These authentic types are honest and upfront and address their issues with the source directly. Sure like everyone they too have their struggles but, what I find most intriguing is these genuine ladies don’t concern themselves with gaining acceptance from the Negative Nellies in their lives. They choose to spend their energy wisely and intentionally.

I have come to realize that there have been times all throughout my life I desperately sought the acceptance of the Nay Sayers. I guess I thought if I could get the people who are critical of everyone to say I was okay then it would really mean something. I would actually set out to ‘people please’ the people who aren’t pleased with anything. Talk about going in circles! Eventually, after many dizzying repeat lessons I am learning about the importance of standing in my own power.

I now find myself in my early thirties in a significant role as a stay at home Mom of two healthy and ‘very’ active boys. I consider myself to be energetic with enough stamina to match the pace of my toddler and preschooler. I am fortunate to be able to give a lot of myself and energy to raise my family in the best way I know how. I also look forward to date nights and time spent sustaining a happy and healthy relationship with my husband. I value my time spent with close friends and family and doing things that are just for me. This brings me to my ‘Aha Moment of Truth’ and the start of a journey down a lighter path.

I finally began to see that when I would spend so much as one millisecond attempting to please the displeased, I would start depleting my precious energy resources I depend on to create a happy balance in my life. I also began to notice a pattern where my energy to ‘people please’ would come from. Naturally, I would first take it away from the things I do for myself. Then I would take it from my important relationships. Next if I wasn’t really careful I would allocate it away from my marriage and my family. There I stood, defeated and deflated wondering what ever went wrong and why everything felt so hard all of the sudden.

I guess what I am getting at, is it no longer made any sense to spend an ounce of my energy caring, wondering or hoping for the approval of anyone but ‘myself’. I realized if I want to live an authentic life with joy I must choose to stop giving my power away to the Nay Sayers. I still find it hard to wrap my brain around the idea that there will always be people out there that don’t get me or perhaps don’t like me, but I am learning that as long as I am true to myself it just isn’t my concern. I definitely don’t have it all figured out and at times I find it very challenging to not revert back to my ‘people pleasing’ tendencies. I get the feeling it is the human in me that will always to some extent want to please others as a means of gaining their approval. As my sons' role model I am striving to send the message to them that it’s most important to gain the approval of yourself first and to try to stand in your power as much as possible when faced with negativity.

Moving forward, I sincerely wish for me and everyone else out there trying to break free from ‘people pleasing' that more time is spent owning, expressing and loving ourselves the way we are. This alone could create opportunities for our authenticity to shine through for everyone to witness and enjoy. Who knows maybe in the process this action will also inspire the most powerful Nay Sayers to do the same.

Emily Madill is a regular column writer for "Island Gals Magazine" ~ An exchange of Inspiration, Motivation, Humour and Information for our Island's Women.

For more info please visit the magazine's website at: http://www.islandgals.ca/
Or Visit Emily's website at: http://www.captainjoesteachingresources.com/

Yoga Photo by Kim Houghton

Getting Uncomfortable

"From Small beginnings, come great things." ~ Proverb Getting Uncomfortable, By Emily Madill Some of my most cherished experiences and achievements have been the result of entering into a world so uncomfortable and foreign my stomach would turn at the mere thought of having to go there. Have you ever entertained the idea that you'd rather be in the hospital rendered unconscious than get in front of an audience and speak out loud? Well I have, and this is the kind of discomfort I am talking about. Six years ago I was 26, recently divorced and in a new and healthy relationship with my now husband. By day I worked in an office for a busy construction rental company and by night I was glued to my computer determined to complete enough online courses to finish my degree. As though I wasn't sleep deprived enough I would rise at the crack of dawn and go for my morning run in an attempt to clear my head. Often during my morning runs I would visualize myself giving inspirational speeches and sharing words of wisdom to large audiences. This was always followed by great rounds of applause and awards of recognition for my accomplishments. I think this ritual was my way of making the run, which was usually cold and rainy, go by quicker. Oddly enough, it still came as a huge surprise when my counselor at Thompson Rivers University called me up one day and said, "I don't know what it is about you Emily but I just keep thinking you would be the perfect Valedictorian for this year's graduation". Please know I wanted more than anything to take part in graduation festivities and I secretly yearned to take this role on, but the overwhelming thought that this lady was outrageous enough to think I would actually get in front of a crowd of 500 people with a microphone to say something intelligent and inspirational had me seriously considering not attending my graduation at all. I would love to tell you this was one of those times I took the bold leap into ultimate discomfort and gave the speech of my life, felt like a champion, received an award etc. however this is not the case. Instead, I politely declined despite her urging. Then I attended graduation with my head hung and avoided meeting face to face with my counselor because I felt like a failure. I should add that while I have regretted not giving the speech ever since, it has given me a great point of reference and provided me with a valuable life lesson. On the upside, I married Mr. Wonderful and three years ago we had our first son. It was then I began my journey into the "uncomfortable zone". Maybe it was prompted by the discomforts of labour, sleepless nights, bags under my eyes, or some of the other realities motherhood can bring. Perhaps it was just that deep down I knew it was time to start pushing through some things. I was no longer okay with feeling like I couldn't give the speech or having self-limiting beliefs that I wasn't good enough or didn't truly deserve success and happiness. I wouldn't wish this for my son and if I were going to be his role model I knew I needed to muster up the courage to be the kind of role model he deserves. I enrolled in some amazing programs through Excellence Seminars International, a company that believes in the importance of stepping out of your comfort zone. I was sick about going because I heard I might have to talk in front of a crowd or something off the wall like that. I went anyway and after the first program I actually joined Toastmasters. Then an unbelievable thing happened, when I was in front of an audience speaking, I actually felt good and found some enjoyment in the whole experience. What I found even more surreal was that people actually wanted me to succeed and win and they were all incredibly supportive. As time marched forward, I took some major courageous steps in all areas of my life because each time I did I learned it wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated and the reward on the other side was always a feeling of immense confidence and pride. Much like a snowball effect, the more I stepped out and got uncomfortable the easier it became and the outcomes were incredible. The best part is I began believing in myself and became crystal clear on my purpose and the gifts I have to share with others. During the first year and a half of my son's life, I wrote and self-published a series of inspirational children's books intended to empower young people to whole-heartedly believe in themselves. It wasn't a simple or easy undertaking. It involved many late nights knowing I would be up in a few hours to care for my baby. It required me to ignore the glazed over looks my well-meaning family and friends would give when I'd excitedly tell them of my venture. On more than a few occasions it demanded I slay my personal dragons, aka my self-limiting beliefs: "Who do you think you are?" and "This is never going to amount to anything, you should give up." Bit by bit I pushed through all that was uncomfortable in order to move forward and reach my goal. My book launch was a chance to share what I had created with others, but most of all for me it was an overwhelming feeling of pride and disbelief that "I actually did it"; almost as though all along I was proving to myself that I could. The notion of becoming more comfortable with getting uncomfortable has shaped my world into a magical place. The journey of creating my small book business has led me down new paths of possibilities and dreams I never knew I had. It has provided me with the balance and self-fulfillment I wouldn't have if I had chosen to stay comfortable and complacent. On top of that, it has given me a forum to continue my practice of getting uncomfortable, strengthening my spirit and maintaining a healthy belief in self. I feel like I have the best gig going. I also get to be the stay at home Mom of two sons now, Joe three years old and Jake who just turned one. My ultimate dream is that all of this will help empower my two young sons to believe they too can achieve any and all of their dreams no matter how uncomfortable the steps may first appear to be.

Emily Madill is a regular column writer for "Island Gals Magazine" ~ An exchange of Inspiration, Motivation, Humour and Information for our Island's Women.

For more info please visit the magazine's website at: http://www.islandgals.ca/

Or Visit Emily's website at: http://www.captainjoesteachingresources.com/ Photo by Kelli Etheridge: http://www.etheridgephotographic.com/ For more info on Excellence Seminars International: http://www.excellenceseminars.com/